and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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