it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
