Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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