did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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