On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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