God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
