I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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