no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
