if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Vodka?
Forever.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
