We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
