why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
