New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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