Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
