So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
