Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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