just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
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he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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