If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
