Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
