I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
