after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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