He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
