I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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