I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
