So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
