so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Randomize
