you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
