i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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