I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
