Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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