Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She even gives head with a lisp.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
