I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Randomize
