OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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