you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
