Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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