so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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