If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
