I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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