He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
