Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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