I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
