There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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