My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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