The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
