Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
