So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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