Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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