my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
