I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
did i walk over a car last night?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
