we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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