I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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