No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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