I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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