Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
