my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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