It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
