come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
